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John Cleese fala ao povo americano (2)

por Rui Castro, em 25.03.08

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour', "humour", "lanour" and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. 
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). 

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. 

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. 

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. 

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left immediately. At the same time, you will go metric - without the benefit of conversion tables. 

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 

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